Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Exhausted

Took my math exam and....fairly, no, 99% positive I failed it. I am really disappointed in myself and I don't know how I could have prepared more. I did extra assignments, practice problems, hours of studying, and still I fail.

At this point it seems that I should be used disappointment, but it still stings quite a bit. Lately everything has felt like one struggle after another and I seem rather alone on my uphill climb that feels more like I am walking backwards. I've had a bit of financial troubles trying to figure out how I am going to pay for school and it's hard when the financial aid office at my college doesn't help or give me any guidance and I don't know anyone else who is paying for school on their own. I believe in my education and am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I graduate, but sometimes everything gets overwhelming and it's hard to deal with. I feel like I have to study more then anyone else and yet I still do worse. It's disheartening to sit next to someone who misses classes, doesn't do homework, doesn't study, yet gets a better score than you on an exam. I'm exhausted and don't know what else to do. This isn't just about my math class even, I don't do stellar in any of my classes yet I feel like I put my all in. While everyone else seems to get away with the partying college experience I work and focus on school work and up coming up short every time. There must be something I am doing wrong, but I don't know how to improve myself.

I'm constantly told that having strong work ethic is going to get my far in life and that test scores won't matter in the real world. Well, I have yet to see that as true in anyway. Money is the new test scores in the real world in my opinion and I am at the bottom of the barrel in that department as well. Currently my outlook looks like mounds of debt for my future which I will attempt to pay off with out defaulting (a HUGE fear of mine. If I fail with money I have no back up and no family to bail me out when times are tough so can't wait for that when I graduate...) and continuing to work hard and watch other pass me up effortlessly.

Future looks pretty dull at the moment. I'm going to continue to work hard, but I'm tired and only getting more exhausted. I'm determined to finish school to show everyone I can do it even if I am not anything special in academics. Someone has to be floating around in the middle or the bottom and it seems the reality of my place there is setting in.

4 comments:

Charlie Tatum said...

I LOVE YOU.

Riley said...

<3 Back at you, Charlie!

miya said...

I think you are taking too many classes. If you lightened up your load you would be so much less stressed!!! we are ahead in credits thanks to a few AP credits so i think you need to take it easy. why push yourself to the brink like this? By eliminating just one class think of the extra time you would have to concentrate on the matters at hand. There is no pressure to graduate early and if you pile it on too much you just burn out and set yourself back even farther.

I am fairly positive that Anthony is paying for college 100% through loans in his name. I might ring him up for a chat on how he is going about that. Or try talking to Carlene since she seems to be tackling college all by herself (although she probably has no good advice....it might be nice just to talk with her about it.)

Hard work pays off in more ways then just money. I think that you personality and experiences are so much stronger then your peers and some of our friends who have done practically nothing on their own. Its different everyone and you really cannot compare yourself to others. they fight their own battles in different ways. I would never ever want to be in someone like Kylie's shoes. sure she has all the amenities of a shallow life but can you imagine LIVING like that and talking to the people she talks to and acting the way she acts??? its nice to know that you can be successful without compromising your dignity or values. and you will be successful, i know it.

and as always, i agree with charlie. :)

Riley said...

Awww, thanks miya! Loves you too! I think I will contact Anthony and ask his opinion. The thing is he pays in state tuition and so it's a lot less and easier to deal with. Still he might have some advice. Thanks though :) Means a lot to me to have support