Took my math exam and....fairly, no, 99% positive I failed it. I am really disappointed in myself and I don't know how I could have prepared more. I did extra assignments, practice problems, hours of studying, and still I fail.
At this point it seems that I should be used disappointment, but it still stings quite a bit. Lately everything has felt like one struggle after another and I seem rather alone on my uphill climb that feels more like I am walking backwards. I've had a bit of financial troubles trying to figure out how I am going to pay for school and it's hard when the financial aid office at my college doesn't help or give me any guidance and I don't know anyone else who is paying for school on their own. I believe in my education and am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I graduate, but sometimes everything gets overwhelming and it's hard to deal with. I feel like I have to study more then anyone else and yet I still do worse. It's disheartening to sit next to someone who misses classes, doesn't do homework, doesn't study, yet gets a better score than you on an exam. I'm exhausted and don't know what else to do. This isn't just about my math class even, I don't do stellar in any of my classes yet I feel like I put my all in. While everyone else seems to get away with the partying college experience I work and focus on school work and up coming up short every time. There must be something I am doing wrong, but I don't know how to improve myself.
I'm constantly told that having strong work ethic is going to get my far in life and that test scores won't matter in the real world. Well, I have yet to see that as true in anyway. Money is the new test scores in the real world in my opinion and I am at the bottom of the barrel in that department as well. Currently my outlook looks like mounds of debt for my future which I will attempt to pay off with out defaulting (a HUGE fear of mine. If I fail with money I have no back up and no family to bail me out when times are tough so can't wait for that when I graduate...) and continuing to work hard and watch other pass me up effortlessly.
Future looks pretty dull at the moment. I'm going to continue to work hard, but I'm tired and only getting more exhausted. I'm determined to finish school to show everyone I can do it even if I am not anything special in academics. Someone has to be floating around in the middle or the bottom and it seems the reality of my place there is setting in.