Tuesday, December 2, 2008

In the Middle of Nowhere



I have always remained fairly private about my personal life and relations, even when it comes to talking about it with my friends and family. My personal life is just that, personal and I don't think it's anyone's business unless I feel the need to share or confide in them. There are certain people though that I have always been able to confide in and these selected few people have always been completely honest with me whether they agree with my decisions or not and I fully appreciate them for it and in turn they have gained my complete trust.

When it comes to moments where I am confused or not sure if I am making the right decision it's then that I count on these people the most and I appreciate their support or telling me they think I am making a terrible decision. If your friends can't tell you who can? Honesty and a straight forward answer is what I appreciate most, I don't want to hear the sugar coated truth because I can tell myself that, I rather hear what they really think and count on them to be straight with me.

Currently I find myself in a position once again where I find myself unsure of my decisions and where to go. I can see both sides of my dilemma and I'm the first to admit that I am entering an equation that won't have a positive ending for me and I might ultimately feel very hurt after everything is said and done. I am fully aware of this, yet don't feel hesitation in my decision. I've played this equation out before and I ended up feeling hurt. So why would I go through this again when I know the result? Especially when I was warned by my friends and I went along with it anyway just to end up falling flat, just like they tried to tell me I would. It's also unfair of me to demand everyone understand and support my decisions and then when I get let down (which they tried to protect me against) I expect them to help me pick up the pieces.

How can you ask someone to stand by you when they see it's a wrong decision and even you see it, but in the end there is nothing that can be done to change your mind or decision. I might be making the wrong choice, yet again but every time I fell down or get let down I can't say I ever regretted it. Yes, I was hurt and yes I was upset, but the good always ends up outweighing the negative in the end. Even if if the good is briefer than the bad. I'm not saying I am making a right decision or a wrong decision. All the same thank you to those that care enough to say I'm making the wrong decision and standing by me all the same. I appreciate everything that's been said and all the opinions shared because their opinions are what matter most to me or I would never have shared my own self questioning. Right or wrong, I'm learning and thank you for standing by me while I do.

This is all very vague I realized and I don't care to clarify. For those that know or understand I am sure you already know where I am coming from. For those that have no idea what I am talking about, I hope you can relate on some level with this message all the same. It may be a rant or venting, but either way it is what it is.

1 comment:

Andie said...

write me an email you!